Blog and Podcast

One Thing Some Guys Resent (ways to build trust instead) – 4.24S

Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Read more about One Thing Some Guys Resent (ways to build trust instead) – 4.24S[…]

One Thing Many Guys Hide (honesty isn’t enough) – 4.23S

Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) Read more about One Thing Many Guys Hide (honesty isn’t enough) – 4.23S[…]

2 Ways to Connect after Broken Trust (sharing this) – 4.22S

Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared? 1:29 One Read more about 2 Ways to Connect after Broken Trust (sharing this) – 4.22S[…]

How to Find Real Satisfaction (trauma-fueled distractions?) – 4.21S

This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) * 1:46 Distraction due to trauma? Read more about How to Find Real Satisfaction (trauma-fueled distractions?) – 4.21S[…]

How Entertainment Actually Helped After Betrayal (learning but not applying) – 4.20S

This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 How video games affected our marriage 1:42 I couldn’t entertain him 2:55 One Read more about How Entertainment Actually Helped After Betrayal (learning but not applying) – 4.20S[…]

2 Kinds of Values & 2 Other Addictions (how to name emotions) – 4.19S

In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships) 0:39 Stated Read more about 2 Kinds of Values & 2 Other Addictions (how to name emotions) – 4.19S[…]

How to Know: Should You Stay or Go (“I am more important than…”) – 4.18S

How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it? TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Read more about How to Know: Should You Stay or Go (“I am more important than…”) – 4.18S[…]

What if He’s NOT ‘All In’? (is he clueless, toxic… or teachable?) – 4.17S

In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 If he (or she) doesn’t want to be in Read more about What if He’s NOT ‘All In’? (is he clueless, toxic… or teachable?) – 4.17S[…]

How to Stop Mistreating Her (empathy and validation) – 4.16S

How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:18 Betrayal trauma & how Read more about How to Stop Mistreating Her (empathy and validation) – 4.16S[…]

What if He Never Changes? (why men get defensive over safety and trust) – 4.15S

Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?” TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Are safety Read more about What if He Never Changes? (why men get defensive over safety and trust) – 4.15S[…]

4 Kinds of Guys (“can you just care?”) – 4.14S

In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?” TIMESTAMPS Read more about 4 Kinds of Guys (“can you just care?”) – 4.14S[…]

How to Heal Broken Trust (who will he choose) – 4.13S

How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to Read more about How to Heal Broken Trust (who will he choose) – 4.13S[…]

“Aren’t You Over That Yet?” (his pain vs. her pain) – 4.12S

This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Boys don’t cry? 0:40 One Read more about “Aren’t You Over That Yet?” (his pain vs. her pain) – 4.12S[…]

He Doesn’t Understand My Pain (3 invalidations) – 4.11S

Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Read more about He Doesn’t Understand My Pain (3 invalidations) – 4.11S[…]

One Quick Way to Restore Trust (she can’t heal unless…) – 4.10S

Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.) TIMESTAMPS (click Read more about One Quick Way to Restore Trust (she can’t heal unless…) – 4.10S[…]

What Makes Men “Get It”? (if an affair is the goal) – 4.09S

What’s the first thing a guy should do if he’s harmed the relationship, and what can make him “get it” more quickly? Also what can the lady do if his goal is to have an affair? We discuss those topics with author Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that Read more about What Makes Men “Get It”? (if an affair is the goal) – 4.09S[…]

Are Emotional Affairs Actually Affairs? (it’s not difficult) – 4.08S

Unfortunate ideas can get twisted in a person’s mind, leading them to have affairs; ideas like, “But if my wife were the right person…” We discuss this with author Matt Fray, and we also cover the question: Are emotional affairs truly affairs–and what can make it all less difficult? TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below Read more about Are Emotional Affairs Actually Affairs? (it’s not difficult) – 4.08S[…]

Can Lying Actually Cause PTSD? (needs addicts focus on) – 4.07S

Can porn use and lies lead to PTSD? And what can be done when someone says, “Why won’t you lighten up?” We cover those topics in our continued talk with author, Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:20 Unmet needs & PTSD after broken trust Read more about Can Lying Actually Cause PTSD? (needs addicts focus on) – 4.07S[…]

She’s Not Meeting My Needs! (is safety actually a need?) – 4.06S

Are her needs more important than his? No, but as you’ll see in this video, his most important needs are usually already met. Our female clients can’t say the same, and this reduces feelings of safety. But is safety actually a need? TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs within relationships * 1:32 Different Read more about She’s Not Meeting My Needs! (is safety actually a need?) – 4.06S[…]

When the One who Broke Trust Can’t Trust You (vulnerability) – 4.05S

What if the person who’s broken your trust says, “I did that because I can’t trust you!” Today we cover that, as well as the topic of vulnerability with author Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 When the man who broke trust says he can’t trust her * 2:08 Vulnerability isn’t weak (it’s THIS that’s Read more about When the One who Broke Trust Can’t Trust You (vulnerability) – 4.05S[…]

How to Increase Intimacy (will it take divorce?) – 4.04S

“Change doesn’t happen until it gets painful enough.” Is this true, and if so, what does it look like? That’s what we cover with author and coach Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Will it take divorce before he ‘gets it’? 2:02 What gets through to guys * 4:20 It doesn’t take more pain when Read more about How to Increase Intimacy (will it take divorce?) – 4.04S[…]

Keys to Successful Relationships (then don’t be married) – 4.03S

Matthew Fray tells what it all comes down to in marriage… and how he felt right after his divorce. Also find out when he would tell a person, “Fine, then don’t be married.” TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro / The crux of it all in marriage * 2:45 What defined Matt’s emotions? / Who is most responsible? Read more about Keys to Successful Relationships (then don’t be married) – 4.03S[…]

What’s Her Problem? (what he was adamant about) – 4.02S

This episode covers a little about Matt’s divorce and his two main focal points in marriage. 0:00 Intro 0:07 Solutions: The two main things Matt works on with his clients * 1:58 Jay’s story / Lori’s story 8:37 Jay and Lori’s mentoring program 10:33 Matt’s story 12:31 What Matt was adamant about regarding marriage * Read more about What’s Her Problem? (what he was adamant about) – 4.02S[…]

A Great New Book: This is How Your Marriage Ends – 4.01S

Meet Matt Fray, Author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends” and hear how he says he ‘forced’ his wife to walk away from the marriage. 0:00 Intro 0:28 Matt’s new book: This is How Your Marriage Ends 1:06 Format of these videos 1:44 How we met 2:57 How Matt became a coach 5:52 Matt’s Read more about A Great New Book: This is How Your Marriage Ends – 4.01S[…]

How to “Rage at the Addiction” (solutions for relationships) – 4.00S

  Whether you’re married, divorced, single or separated, there are effective solutions that can help you heal and can help you have better relationships.   This video previews what to expect in the coming weeks and explains how you can find those solutions.   The second half of the video explains how “Raging at the Read more about How to “Rage at the Addiction” (solutions for relationships) – 4.00S[…]

12 Major Pitfalls of the 12-Steps (after betrayal trauma, abuse and lies) – 3.17S

Addicts have to avoid these major pitfalls if they’re going to recover from their addictions… and if they’re going to rebuilt trust. This episode also covers signs to look for in order to know if the addict is serious about recovery.

Episode Summary:
-Some groups allow masturbation
-Co-ed groups
-Knowing what serious recovery looks like
-Applying 12 Step principles to trauma can do more damage

0:00 Intro

0:42 Major Pitfall One: Some Sex Anonymous groups allow masturbation (and this can lead to more lies)

1:52 Major Pitfall Two: Not being careful in Co-ed groups

3:59 Major Pitfall Three: Using group time to badmouth your wife

12 Common Pitfalls of the 12-Steps (after betrayal trauma, abuse and lies) – 3.16S

Addicts have to avoid these common pitfalls if they’re going to recover from their addictions… and if they’re not going to make things worse in the relationship.

Episode Summary:
-Signs of impending relapse
-Sponsorship and Accountability Partnership
-Avoiding becoming a dry drunk
-The “24-Hour Reprieve”

0:00 Intro

1:02 Pitfall One: Relapse (not knowing the signs of it)***

2:39 Pitfall Two: Confusing the roles of the sponsor and accountability partner / What Jay looks for in sponsors

How can a Loving God Allow… (The Pain of Betrayal, Lies and Abuse) – 3.15S

If God is good, how can He allow things like addiction, betrayal, lies and abuse? In this episode we cover that difficult topic. While we address the ancient saying, “fill up the sufferings of Christ,” we also add a caveat for partners who’ve been lied to and mistreated.

Episode Summary:
-How can a loving God allow certain things?
-Filling up the sufferings of Christ
-How betrayed spouses can know if they should STOP suffering to get through to the addict
-Kittens & Crawling into God’s arms
-We both break down and cry

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:46 How can God allow certain things: First thought (another meaning for “will”)
2:35 Second thought (connectibility)
3:20 Third (when the sun always shines there’s little…)

The FULL Serenity Prayer (True happiness despite Lies, Betrayal and Abuse) 3.14S

The full version of the Serenity Prayer isn’t well known, yet if addict’s adhered to, it can bring them happiness—a happiness that can replace the pleasure betrayal and lies bring. This episode covers that, while difficult, courageous surrender is the quickest way to joy.

Episode Summary:
-The rest of the original Serenity Prayer
-Addicts may not be good at a certain part of this
-Balancing acceptance and abuse
-How surrender isn’t passivity
-What happiness will look like on this earth, and when supreme happiness happens

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to the FULL Serenity Prayer
1:13 Living (and enjoying) one moment at a time / this helped heal Lori
3:20 Addicts may not be good at this… but if they could just do this…
3:56 Accepting hardships has a purpose / What led to Jay abusing Lori***

The REAL Serenity Prayer (The quickest way to change your situation) – 3.13S

Most people have heard the first three lines of the Serenity Prayer, but it’s usually the popular version. The original version is much richer. And its main tenants are essential for recovery from porn and sex addiction, and especially lies. This episode covers the first three lines of that Prayer. (The next episode will cover the rest.)

Episode Summary:
-Being ‘strong and courageous’
-When the addict’s expectations aren’t met
-The quickest way to change our situation is to… but only if…

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to the Original Serenity Prayer
2:15 The second part of the original prayer / What serenity may look like for the addict
3:47 Why we are to call each other into our nobility (“Addicts have to have evidence of life change”)***

Step 12: Sharing this Message (Ministering after Lies, Betrayal Trauma, or Abuse) 3.12S

Many recovering addicts create more pain by using this Step to abandon their wives. This episode covers what addicts can do instead, especially if he’s betrayed her, lied to her, or used abusive tactics with her.

Episode Summary:
-Step 12 of the 12-Steps
-Are we really powerless to change others’ behavior? (One of the most difficult things for addicts to accept.)
-How addicts can change their thinking (when tempted) and how to NOT cause more pain with this step.
-What Jay’s mask wearing looked like, when there wasn’t a big spiritual awakening

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to Step 12 (It’s not about advertising, it’s living it out)
1:44 How To fulfill this step / Addicts’ acceptance
3:13 Are we really powerless to changes others’ behavior? / When it doesn’t work

Step 11: Contact God (Living in a surrendered way) – 3.11S

It’s one thing to lay down an addiction, but it needs to be replaced with something more life-giving. This episode is about taking your sobriety further on a daily basis through relationship with God/your Higher Power. We offer practical ways to accomplish this, as well as cautions for rebuilding trust after betrayal, lies and abuse.

Episode Summary:
-Step 11 of the 12-Steps (Increasing your conscious contact with God & praying for HIS will and HIS Power)
-One difference between prayer and meditation
-It’s about living in a surrendered way… daily
-Side note for betrayed partners and this step in the Bible

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to Step 11 / Jay’s take on how prayer and meditation are different / Ways to meditate***
3:04 Praying for God’s will & surrendering / Conscious contact with God
4:29 One major benefit of meditation / How Lori did this the previous year

Step 10: For When You’re Wrong (and rewiring the addicted brain) – 3.10S

We all mess up, but after betrayal trauma and lies, but if an addict wants to rebuild trust, they have to be prompt about making things right. This episode covers a few techniques to make this an easier process. It also covers how Lori knows Jay’s character changed.

Episode Summary:
-Step 10 of the 12-Steps
-How to avoid the slippery slope
-One way to rewire the addicted brain

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to Step 10 (Continuing to take a personal inventory and when I’m wrong…) / This should be done daily
2:08 One way to do this and why***

Step 9: Making Amends Unless… (And the best apologies) 3.09S

Episode Summary:
-Step 9 of the 12-Steps
-How to handle the exception written in the step
-The most sincere form of an apology
-Excuses people make to not do this step

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to Step 9 (making direct amends)
1:28 The exception explained
2:43 One caution when you feel free afterward / Disclosure specifics

Step 8: All Those I’ve Harmed (Making a list) – 3.08S

Whether it’s through betrayal, trauma, abuse or lying, addictions can cause a lot of harm. In this episode, Jay and Lori cover the first step to making it right, as well as what to do if you’re not ready to.

Episode Summary:
-Step 8 of the 12-Steps
-The first steps in making amends
-Cautions if you’re not ready to make things right
-God can change our “want to’s”

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro and explanation of Step 8: We made (this list)
2:16 “Just because I’m willing, doesn’t mean…” & Jay’s personal experience
4:16 This step isn’t about relationship—neither is…

Step 7: The Humble Ask (God Doesn’t Just Take it Away) – 3.07S

It’d be great if God just took the desire for our addicts away, but we rarely see that in our line of work. This episode covers what to do instead, as well as special things to consider after lying and betrayal.

In this episode we cover:
-Step 7 of the 12-Steps
-What true humility looks like
-God doesn’t just take it away

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
1:38 If you have to ask about it then… / The middle part of the 12-Steps
2:22 Getting to where we’re humble enough to ask without… / It’s not like God’s going to just take it away if…
3:22 “God, you’re going to have to take it away, because I don’t want to let go of it” / Many examples of what humility looks like***

Step 6 Character Defects (Handing over old tools) – 3.06S

Porn addiction, betrayal and lies can wreck a couple. An addict has to be ready to release his old coping mechanisms. Jay and Lori also cover their experience with addiction and fear, as well as what surrender looks like. They also address the difference between Savior and Boss.

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro & Step 6 (Preparing for this…)
1:55 “Being entirely ready” means getting rid of ‘tools’ that help only me
3:08 Jesus appears to ask a stupid question but it applies to addicts***
4:52 But those tools have been effective in these ways…

Step 5: Admit It (and how this is different than Disclosure after Betrayal and Lying) – 3.05S

Watch video on YouTube here: This Step is about addicts not lying to themselves anymore—and not hiding the truth about themselves—anymore. It’s about getting real, and why. In this episode we cover: -Step 5 of the 12-Steps -How there are different layers to addiction and lust -What else needs to be faced regarding lust if Read more about Step 5: Admit It (and how this is different than Disclosure after Betrayal and Lying) – 3.05S[…]

Step 4: A Fearless Step (Write for Freedom) – 3.04S

Withholding information (also known as lying) is common, especially with porn and sex addicion. That’s why this step is crucial to healing, both for the addict, and for the one who’s been lied to and sexually betrayed.

In this episode we cover:
-Step 4 of the 12-Steps
-A searching and fearless moral inventory
-The more you write out, the more freedom you will experience

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro to Step 4: Listing where they were out of integrity (and one easier way to do this)
2:54 What to look for in a sponsor/accountability partner
3:25 Disclosure: how it’s different (t’s done with the betrayed partner’s pain in mind)

Healing Addiction through Surrendering All (if you have questions)

Hello Our latest video is down below, but as an FYI… We will be on a live Q&A tonight as part of a summit sharing tips on managing emotions, disclosure, separation, reconciliation and beyond in an online summit called Renew. The Q&A is happening at 7pm Eastern tonight (May 12), and we hope you can Read more about Healing Addiction through Surrendering All (if you have questions)[…]

Addiction Recovery & Betrayal Trauma: Step 2 (Restoring Sanity) – 3.02S & Tons of Free Information

This episode covers: Step 2 of the 12 Steps / Believing in a Power greater than ourselves / The root of the problem. Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
1:09 Pornographically addicted
1:32 Step 2 – Restore me to sanity
1:59 Jay gets self-righteous
2:53 Hurt in the name of

Addiction Recovery & Betrayal Trauma: Step 1 (Life Becomes Unmanageable) – 3.01S

Here’s our latest episode, which covers:
-Step 1 of the 12 Steps
-How it reflects the steps toward God
-What Jay and Lori see in their clients

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:34 What this season is based on
2:04 Step 1’s key phrases
2:27 What Jay sees with the guys he works with
3:02 A different perspective on our powerlessness
3:57 The difficulty Jay had with this step
5:35 How some addicts deal with this
6:28 The “disobedient dog” in Jay

Addiction Recovery & Betrayal Trauma: Preview (& Behind the Scenes) – 3.00S

Here’s our latest episode, which covers:
-What happened to Jay and Lori in 2020, including run-ins with the IRS
-A behind-the-scenes look at how they celebrated their 25th Anniversary

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:22 Preview of Season 3, and Jay’s history with it
1:37 What Lori will be covering/cautioning in Season 3
2:18 For those who’ve been through betrayal trauma (look for the “S”)
2:59 Where were we in 2020?

Betrayal Trauma: Season Recap (& Blooper Reel) – 2.18S

Hello everyone.

In this episode we cover:
-A quick recap of the season on Betrayal Trauma
-Jay and Lori’s favorite episodes
-This season’s blooper reel

Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
2:50 What this episode is about: a recap & joy (and Lori being stupid : )
0:48 If you’ve been betrayed
1:06 Guys, imagine if your wife…

Systems of Oppression & Injustice (7 Truths and What to Do About It) – 2.17S

In the last full episode of Season 2, we talk about a not-so-fun reality that exists in many areas of our nation: Injustice through Systems of Oppression. BUT we also share something you can do if you find yourself on the receiving end of injustice.

Angry at God (or With God) – 2.16S

This one starts out talking about the partner’s anger at God (it might just be something else). Then we talk about the addict’s anger at God, himself… and the wife. And what he should do if he’s angry with the wife.

Comebacks – The Nastier One (How I expressed My Voice Pt 2) – 2.15S

This is a continuation of the last episode where we’re covering how Lori responded to those who objected to how we’ve recovered.

This exchange, however, got a little nastier than the last one.