You probably just found out the worst news in your life.
I’ve been there too.
If you want to start healing now, I can help.
Here’s my story:
I’ve been married to a porn addict for over 25 years.
I’d always wanted a great marriage. But then I got married and I saw that having a great marriage wasn’t so simple. And that was difficult, but within the first two years of marrige, I found porn on his computer. (I’m sure you remember the first time you found out. It’s so shocking!)
This turned into many fights about the issue. It’s just that he didn’t want to talk about it; when I asked him hard questions, he turned on me, sometimes viciously.
The pain of those conversations caused me to tuck my pain and concern… and we found a rut and stayed in it for the next fifteen years. (Such a lonely place.) Even though it was a hot topic, I still wanted to be closer so I’d bring it up again thinking, “I hope we can have a good conversation about it this time.”
Well, we couldn’t. Those conversations only ended in more pain. So we went to counseling, but it didn’t help, and like most couples, we grew further apart.
The distance was excruciating, but because he didn’t want to have the hard conversations, I eventually just buried my pain and tried to pretend I didn’t feel it anymore.
What I didn’t know was that I was dying inside.
But somewhere in there, my husband tried to get better on his own. He put accountability software on his phone. He checked in with me every night about temptations he faced that day. And he did really well… for about six years.
Then, like most guys he returned to it again.
But I didn’t know. In fact, I bought into his lies so much I even started telling him, “You’ve been clean for such a long time, I don’t think you have to refer to it as your ‘problem’ anymore. You’re one of the few guys who conquers this, and I’m proud of you for that.”
Some time passed, and something started feeling very strange, but this time I gathered up enough courage to confront him in a different way. (You probably know the ‘strange’ feelings, as well as the courage, I’m talking about.)
This time, I had a feeling he’d have something to confess, but the reality was devastating. He confessed to four years of porn use and nightly lying. I thought it was just a few recent stumbles. I had no idea it had been going on for four years.
I felt so less-than. I felt so ugly. He wanted other women (and “I can’t compare to them!”) That felt horrible on its own. But what really tore me apart was that for four years, he’d looked me–in the eye–and lied to me
I was so angry at myself for believing him. I felt so stupid for believing him.
Do you ever have those moments where everything changes for you… and you know you have to do something different? Well, something in me changed the night of that confession. Something in me broke.
I knew I couldn’t do it like I did before.
I’d tried to be the good little wife who never said much.
The wife who met his needs and didn’t ask for anything in return.
The wife who did what everyone said she should.
I was no longer that wife.
I had to do things differently.
Gone were the days of staying quiet.
Gone were the days of allowing labels to shame me into playing small.
Doing it the old way gave us a relationship on the brink of divorce.
So I asked myself, “Do I have a say in what happens to me in this marriage?”
I answered with a resounding, “Yes!” and I went for it.
The next five years weren’t easy. Not at all.
But I did the research and gave it everything I had.
After a while, so did he. And it eventually paid off.
Near that five year mark, I knew we had healed the relationship.
We continue to grow toward each other and toward. And even though life isn’t perfect, it feels like we’re newlyweds sometimes.
He’s been sober from porn and masturbation since 2010.
And the cool thing is this: he hasn’t been “white-knuckling” his sobriety.
He’s found freedom, yes, but it’s more than that.
The techniques we found help him remain truly free
and keep us happy and connected to each other
…and only each other.
He’s my man, and I’m his one-and-only.
And I can say I actually trust him again.
And, while I used to get hit with the normal what ifs (“What if he goes back to porn and lying?”) I don’t fear that possibility very much anymore. I know I’m going to be okay, no matter what he does.
I feel really good about my future–and our future–for the first time in our marriage.
Now I want to help you have the same thing.
Want to work with me? The first step is to fill out the form here.
I help women and couples recover from betrayal trauma to:
-Regain the joy.
-Resolve conflicts without fighting.
-Rebuild the trust.
-And live bigger lives.
In closing, I hope our paths cross again some day, whether through email, at a conference, or at one of our free gatherings. If not, I wish you all of God’s best for you and your relationship and your life during this painful time.